A Scientific Investigation
Scientists have mapped the human genome. They've landed rovers on Mars. They've figured out why we cry at dog food commercials.
But no one — no one — has been brave enough to study the most universal human phenomenon of all:
That One Relative.
You know exactly who I'm talking about. You felt a face load in your brain the moment you read those words. Maybe you even heard their voice.
The Taxonomy of "That One Relative"
After decades of combined family dinner trauma, researchers (me, hiding behind the mashed potatoes) have identified several distinct subspecies:
The Unsolicited Career Counselor
Hasn't held a job since 2003, but has extensive thoughts about your career trajectory. "You know, you should really think about real estate." Sir, you still owe my dad $400.
The "I'm Just Asking Questions" Conspiracy Theorist
Shows up to Thanksgiving with printed PDFs. Left-wing, right-wing — doesn't matter. This one has receipts. The receipts are insane, but they have them.
The Competitive Sufferer
You mention you have a headache. They have a brain situation. You say you're tired. They haven't slept since 2017. You got a promotion. They would have, but their body won't allow it.
The Ghost Who Only Materializes for Free Food
Nobody sees them for eleven months. Then December hits, and they appear — tan, vague about where they've been, immediately at the dessert table.
The One Who "Tells It Like It Is"
Spoiler: they do not tell it like it is. They tell it like they like it, which is rudely, and usually about your haircut.
Why Does Every Family Have One?
Evolutionary biologists theorize that "That One Relative" serves a critical social function: they make everyone else feel better about themselves.
Without them, how would you and your sibling bond? How would you know the car ride home was good? How would your spouse understand what you survived?
That One Relative is, in a very real sense, the glue.
Chaotic, exhausting, somehow-bringing-up-your-2009-break-up glue — but glue nonetheless.
The Five Stages of a Family Event with That One Relative
- Denial — "Maybe they'll be normal this time."
- Bargaining — "I'll just stay near the kitchen."
- Anger — [they say The Thing]
- Acceptance — You make eye contact with another cousin. You share a look that contains an entire novel.
- Fondness (Later, From A Safe Distance) — "Okay, that was actually kind of funny."
A Message to "That One Relative"
If you're reading this and thinking, "Ha, I know exactly which cousin this is about" —
Sweetie. You are the cousin.
We love you. We need you. Please stop forwarding us those emails.
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